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Oddchester: Make a big cube … with puppies

November 8, 2018

Rochester Magazine staff writer Anne started just more than a year ago.

Almost immediately after being hired, she began updating a shared Google doc, titled Out Of Context Quotes Overheard In The Rochester Magazine Office.

At first, we feared she may have been collecting those for her secret report to corporate. But, we’re still here, so …

Well, almost all of us are still here. Last month, longtime coworker Vicky left after a dozen years with the magazine. On those days leading up to her departure, there were lots of hugs. Though not from me. I tended to dodge her hug attempts, especially when she rushed at me unexpectedly.

I’m not, admittedly, a big hugger.

We’re not a species that, when other animals lunge at us, is wired to embrace our attackers. It goes against our natural instincts. “Fight or flight” are still the only two accepted human responses when one is charged at aggressively, right? As far as I know, humans have not developed a third option to deal with aggression — to spread your arms in a defenseless manner and expose your soft underbelly to your attacker.

So Vicky may be gone, but we’ll include her here, one last time, as a tribute. Or, as I like to refer to it, a “word hug.”

It’s Out Of Context Quotes Overheard In The Rochester Magazine Office II.

Tessa (to Vicky): I don’t know how you’re going to survive without me. More importantly, I don’t know how I’m going to survive without you.

(Long pause.)

Tessa: Ooo, I want your calculator when you leave.

---

Lisa: We have to start being mean to you so it won’t hurt when you leave.

Vicky: That’s how you get someone to break up with you.

Jen: Mmm hmm. Sometimes it doesn’t work, though. Everyone loves the bad boy.

---

Steve: I got the most intimate head massage of my life at the barbershop yesterday. I was wondering if anyone else was left in the barbershop. I got really comfortable-slash-uncomfortable.

---

Tessa: Know what I hate? I’ll tell you what I hate.

Anne: I knew you would.

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Vicky: Were you able to do your timecard?

Anne: No, because everything is sad.

---

Lisa: Does anyone remember “Hee Haw?”

Steve: What do you get when you cross a potato with a sponge?

Lisa: What?

Steve: I don’t know, but it sure soaks up a lot of gravy!

(Silence.)

Steve: That’s from “Hee Haw.”

---

Lisa: It’s crazy to think how big the things that come out of your ovaries can grow.

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Vicky: We should sit in a big circle so we can all see each other.

Jen: Oooh, make a big cube! And in the middle, there would be puppies!

Lisa: That would be distracting. But we would be happy.

---

Tessa: The fact that I have goosebumps all over my body is unsettling.

---

Steve: Are you getting a flu shot?

Anne: I guess. I hate needles, but I love herd immunity.

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Tessa: I feel like my brain is … like a spinny wheel … what’s the word? (“thunk” sound as head hits desk.)

---

Steve: I got some notes from my chess coach about my game, here.

(Silence.)

Steve: Oh, OK. Anyway. A lot of them have exclamation points or question marks.

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Lisa: Jen’s YouTubing, “Where is my dog’s (specific naughty dog part that she has to apply ointment to).”

Jen: I have to watch an ad first.

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Steve (after minor nose surgery): Sorry I’m so ugly, you guys.

Anne: We’re used to it.

Steve: Sorry I’ve become a hideous monster.

Lisa: It’s really not that different.

---

Steve: Hey, what are you doing this weekend?

Photographer Ken: I dunno, weekend stuff. Probably gonna vacuum.

---

Lisa: We never buried him. My neighbor did, supposedly.

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Tessa: Everyone is special to me who advertises with us.

Steve: Well, when everybody has superpowers, no one does.

---

(Vicky approaches for a hug.)

Steve: Are we doing this now?

Vicky: We can do it tomorrow at our happy hour when we’re drunk. That’ll be better.

We know it’s not just us. Please! Please! Send your Out Of Context Office Quotes (to SLange@RochesterMagazine.com).

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