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With the internet, every day can be a staycation

August 28, 2018

Remember that old American Express slogan: “Don’t Leave Home Without It.”

Things have changed.

If the company wanted to attract today’s nest-centric card holders, the catchphrase might simple read: “American Express: Don’t Leave Home.”

And why should you?

Just like at Alice’s Restaurant, “you can get anything you want” without having to leave your own little world for the wilds of the real world.

Everything you desire or require can be obtained from the comfort of your own home, as long as you have Internet access and a credit card with some wiggle room on it.

Considered life’s basic necessities:

Food: Besides the full menu of takeout food, you can now have the supermarket do your grocery shopping for you and then deliver it right to your kitchen door. No more crowds, no more trying to sneak through the “15 Items or Fewer” line, no more feeling guilty about leaving the shopping carriage in the vacant parking space.

Clothing: Besides a zillion online clothing retailers from which to choose, you can also contract to have your attire selected for you and sent along. The downside, of course, is that you can end up looking like you have been dressed by an algorithm.

Health: Not feeling chipper? Why call the doctor, when you can plug your symptoms into a search engine and get all the medical assistance you need? Sure beats hanging around an office full of sick people reading clammy back issues of People magazine.

And if it turns out you need surgery, no problem there, either. Chances are you can find a video on YouTube: “OK, so today I’m going to remove my appendix right here on the kitchen table with a spoon…”

Wine: Hey, we’re talking about necessities, right. Veni. Vidi. Vino. Or something like that. Fruit of the vine meets online wine delivered to your door. Only thing you have to provide is the toast.

But man is a social animal, he needs to be out and about in the world, he needs human contact.

True, but in this day and age, it is possible to experience human contact without all that pesky physical proximity.

To wit:

Want to talk to someone face to face, there is Skype.

Want to see what friends are up to, access their home page.

Want to make new friends, just friend strangers on Facebook.

Want to date, put yourself out there on a matching site. Want to date someone who actually looks like their photo, good luck.

Want to have sex, how about virtual sex? Which as Woody Allen once pointed out is “sex with someone you love.”

Want to participate in a group exercise class? Jump on your computerized stationary bike and dial up an instructor-led spin class.

Want to worship, join an online congregation where you can pray along, sing along, amen along, and doze off during the sermon without fear of anyone poking you.

Want to earn a degree, go to an online college where every exam is an open-book test.

Want to chat, there are chat rooms.

Want to weigh in, express your views, there is Twitter.

Want to know what our current foreign and domestic policies are, there is also Twitter.

Want to sell stuff, there is eBay.

Want to see a movie, go to Netflix, where they don’t sell popcorn by the tub and soda by the vat.

Want to do the crime but worried you can’t do the time? Fuhgeddaboudit, you can do house arrest standing on your head.

Jim Shea is a lifelong Connecticut resident and journalist who believes the keys to life include the avoidance of physical labor and I-95.

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