Paul Turner: Are you suffering from Octoberitis?

September 30, 2018

So we have arrived at the eve of October.

And you might be wondering if you have a condition sometimes known as Octoberitis.

There’s an easy way to find out. Just check the following list of symptoms. If any of these sound familiar, you’re probably seasonally afflicted.

1. October arrives and you suddenly crave sauerkraut.

2. Every time someone mentions Cuba, which admittedly is not all that often, you find yourself wanting to build a backyard bomb shelter.

3. You become infected with the earworm to end all earworms and cannot stop hearing “I was working in the lab late one night …”

4. You argue for naming the new puppy Reggie Jackson.

5. You can’t do your work because you find it impossible to stop thinking about sausages, hot mustard and tall tankards of beer.

6. You want to wear lederhosen.

7. You feel the inexplicable need to claim that you went to grade school with Michael Myers.

8. You want to challenge your granddaughter’s taste in brooding, acoustic music by advocating 1970s electric power chords and saying, “But honey, it’s Rocktober.”

9. You find yourself spoiling for a fight over the pronunciation of “foliage.”

10. You feel the urge to den up.

11. You crave German potato salad.

12. You experience shoulder spasms that produce a jerky leaves-raking motion.

13. You find yourself drawn to sincere pumpkin patches.

14. You keep humming the Association’s song “Goodbye, Columbus” and inserting special lyrics about Indigenous Peoples’ Day.

15. You bite your lip to keep from addressing co-workers named Peter as “Herr Pumpkin Eater.”

16. You solemnly whisper, “Let the thermostat wars begin.”

17. You start preparing to take part in the lively annual debate, sweaters vs. sweatshirts.

18. You know how, in December, some people refer to any unexpected occurrence as a “Christmas miracle”? Well, starting Monday, you say any unlikely development – it doesn’t necessarily have to do with election hijinks– is an “October surprise.”

19. To paraphrase a line from “Top Gun,” you feel the need, the need to bob for apples.

20. You experience an urge to support political candidates on the basis of whether they say “autumn” or “fall.”

21. You crave schnitzel, even though you aren’t really sure just what it is.

Odds and ends

Someone on Twitter last week shared a rather remarkable mistake in a British textbook.

A photographed passage about America in the 1960s referred to the Kent State protest song “Ohio” and the supergroup “Bing Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.”

Sort of makes you wonder what else we might have missed about the unmatched career of the crooner from Spokane. Would have loved to hear BC, S, N&Y’s version of “Woodstock.”

In other news, I was up in Nelson, British Columbia, a few Sundays ago and found myself visiting with a woman who operates a shop on Baker Street.

She told about growing up in Nelson, relocating to Vancouver for school and a career but then moving back to Nelson so her young children could grow up there.

Seems like I’ve heard that sort of story before, on our side of the border.

On another front, here’s a question. Have you ever thought the city of Spokane would have zero money problems if the police set up a 24/7 speed trap on South Perry, between 37th Avenue and Manito Golf and Country Club?

Or perhaps you have your own idea about where they should set up.

Finally, if Spokane’s marmots were led by a brilliant military strategist, what would be the order of battle as they planned to retake Kendall Yards?

End note

I’ve never lived in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles. But I have resided in a few places (Memphis, Tucson, El Paso) that are usually regarded to be in the big leagues when it comes to certain cuisines.

This has meant that, on occasion, just for fun, I have gotten to play the role of barbecue snob or Mexican food snob since moving to Spokane. Yes, I know the legitimacy of that act after living here for more than 30 years could be questioned.

But here’s what I wonder. When people from Spokane move to far parts of the country, about what do they find themselves being snobs on the basis of their years in the Northwest?

Lakes? Wild berries? Housing affordability? Low humidity? Woodlands carnivores? Casual attire? City parks? Fishing? College basketball? Downtown vitality? Outdoor civic events in which participants get T-shirts? Their wonderful old neighbors?

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