JIM SHEA Some scientific discoveries I’d like to see
The headline said McDonald’s fries may be able to grow hair.
The image that came immediately to mind, of course, was of balding customers sitting at tables in a McDonald’s vigorously rubbing handfuls of fries all over their barren headscapes.
I also had a vision of this application being performed after ketchup had been squeezed onto the fries. I don’t know where that came from.
As it turned out, it wasn’t the fries themselves that promoted hair growth. Rather, it was a chemical added to the oil in which the fries are cooked that may one day be cause for rejoicing in chrome-dome land.
As a note of caution, it should be noted that the chemical-induced hair growth was not observed in humans, but in mice. I confess to not understanding how this is helpful. I mean, you rarely see bald mice, or mice with elaborate combovers.
After reading about the fries/hair link, I happened upon another article that suggested veganism and vegetarianism might be responsible for hair loss (something to do with nutritional deficiencies). I did wonder if they tried rubbing any heads with a nice salad?
This got me to thinking: What if other things we generally believe to be bad for us are actually good for us? And better still, what if all the horrid stuff we have to endure because it is good for us, is actually bad for us?
Empty calories come immediately to mind.
How great would it be if some researcher discovered that junk food was not only tied to increased longevity, but also produced potato-chip-scented pheromones that made us irresistible to the opposite sex.
I found this fantasy so appealing that it prompted me to make a wish list of scientific discoveries I’d like to see unveiled in the future.
Beer: Researchers have found that the quickest way to obtain six-pack abs is not through a severe diet or excessive sit ups but rather through the regular imbibing of beer. To achieve maximum results it was recommended that the beer be consumed by the six-pack.
Pizza: A new study has shown a direct link between pizza and increased brain-wave activity. Essentially, the study concluded that the regular consumption of pizza makes one smarter. There is also evidence to indicate a direct relationship between intellectual gain and pizza toppings. Sausage and pepperoni were found to have the greatest effect, while anchovies accounted for a dramatic dumbing down. In a follow-up study, scientists are looking into the possibility that combining pizza with Buffalo wings can boost IQs into the Mensa level.
Bacon: A report commissioned by the NBA claims that bacon makes you taller. The study found that infants fed a diet rich in BL&Ts tended to grow six to nine inches taller than those raised on traditional foods. Experiments are now being conducted to see if a late-in-life embrace of all things bacon can produce growth spurts.
Snack cakes: A study originally intending to explore the relationship between marijuana use and the munchies instead led to a surprising discovery. It found that Ding Dongs, and to a lesser extent Ring Dings, were just as effective in treating erectile dysfunction as such popular medications as Cialis and Viagra. Interestingly, Devil Dogs did not produce a similar boing.
Exercise: Laboratory tests comparing the overall health of runners and couch potatoes has found that a sedentary lifestyle is actually better for you in the long run that an active one. Scientists explained that a human being only has a finite amount of stored energy, and that compulsive behaviors, such as running, uses up one’s energy reserves at an alarming rate. Rather than run a marathon, researchers said it is much healthier to watch one on television.
If only …
Jim Shea is a lifelong Connecticut resident and journalist. email@example.com; Twitter: @jimboshea.