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Where I Stand Along the Orange Brick Road

January 8, 2019

The wonderful fairy tale The Great And Powerful Wizard Of Oz has been scheduled for a revival this year, but updated to reflect our times.

Most of the main character roles have been filled along with their alternates. The following characters have been chosen to fill their respective roles in this updated version:

The Wizard to be played by D.J. Drumpf. As in the original story, he is just an ordinary humbug of an old man who crashes into the Emerald City via his hot air (balloon) pretending to be great and powerful yet hides behind a screen of bravado, narcissism, and false pride. There is no understudy.

Dorothy is played by a relatively unknown actress: #Me(too)lania. In this revival, she has an attitude: “I really don’t care do U?” although she really hates the Emerald City and all it represents

The Wicked Witch of the West played by Steve Cannon; there could be no other. A foreign actor has been considered as an understudy: V.V. “Vlad the Impaler” Pukin. But his heavy foreign accent eliminates him from this part and may not ingratiate him to some audiences.

The many Drumpfkins are not really actors but all suffer from cognitive dissidence which qualifies them as loyal followers of the Wizard, no matter what he says or does.

The Wicked Witch of the East is played by Sandy “the colonel” Sanders.

The Scarecrow, while seeking a brain, never finds one is played by K.A. Conaway. She has always had trouble learning her lines complaining about “alternative facts” that were not in the script. Understudy is Mike Flynt, another good friend of V. V. Pukin.

The Cowardly Lion, is played by “Junior” who in his former role as “The Great White Hunter” — shooting many trophy species, including lions — fits perfectly, but never finds his courage. The understudy Paul Bananaforte is possibly still loyal to the Wizard.

The Tin Woodsman finds he does have a heart by deciding to go against the Wizard while still a member of his tribe — the GOPhers — is played by Jay Fakedit with his second M. Konen (to be released in a prisoner trustee program, if needed).

Guardian of the Gates of Emerald City played by J. Sesoons requires all those entering to wear rose-tinted glasses so as to see this plot in the very best of light. Our star D.J. has always disliked Sesoons, so we may need a replacement. Possible understudy, Little Racket Man, with another bloated ego that fits in well.

The Winged Monkeys by other members of that same tribe: the GOPhers. They fly hither and yon for their Wizard while rationalizing the humbug’s missed and often misspelled (tweeting) lines without complaint. There are many understudies.

Now to the revised plot, a quick summary:

The great Wizard after a crash landing claims victory, though well assisted by “outside influences” from another kingdom which he constantly denies. He has trouble adapting to the role of supreme leader when he comes upon the idea of a self-esteem mantra “Making Me Great Again” while hiding behind his actual fears that he is not really qualified to lead the Emerald City — or anything else.

Dorothy, in a dream during a tornado — that our fearless Wizard refuses to acknowledge is caused by climate change — comes down in the land of OZ with her house on top of the Wicked Witch of the East, but not able to cure the delusions of the now-freed Drumpfkins formerly under the witch’s control.

Dorothy does enlist the help of the Tin Woodsman, but he has proclaimed that he is quitting the GOPher tribe, so his help will be in spirit only — a real flake.

She does meet the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion — two unsavory characters, best left forgotten. However, she does eventually manage to conquer the Wicked Witch of the West by throwing water on this positively nefarious character, where he melts into the background, but still lingers on somewhere (most likely for a sequel).

Finally she does get home and realizes that this adventure was all a dream — although a frightening one at that.

All that ends well … well, it doesn’t.

The moral of this revised story: The Wizard came to the Emerald City to “drain the swamp,” but in reality just brought in more snakes and gators — “if we can’t poison you, we can still eat you alive.”

Bob Stryker is a resident of New Fairfield.

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