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September 25, 2018

What started out as an office prank made me aware of a great injustice in this world that each and every one of us ignore daily.

It was a slow day in the newsroom so I decided to have fun with a coworker. So I popped a few of the keys off of his keyboard and moved them around a bit. The swearing and agitation that came from his area was pretty sweet as he made typo after typo, not sure what the problem was. When he finally realized what it was, he hit me in the head with a ball of rubber bands.

I had it coming.

However, while carefully rearranging his keyboard during this prank, I made a startling discovery. Did you realize that the bottom row of a keyboard has no vowels at all? Furthermore, you cannot make any real words by just using the bottom row.

What a travesty I stumbled upon!

For the top row, arguably the most important row as it boasts four vowels in its arsenal (five if you include “Y”), a vast cornucopia of verbal bliss can be achieved with words such as: your, were, pout, pepperroot, torture, proprietor and teeter-totter, just to name a few.

Using just the middle row, which overachieves in my estimation, some excellent wordage can be reached such as: alfalfa, flags, hash, gas, sad, jag, alfa-dads and even a swear word that means buttocks.

But what about the bottom row? The forgotten letters of Z,X,C,V,B,N,M. Seemingly a bunch of castoffs left to rot in the bowels of the keyboard, relegated to primal grunts of communication such as: Mmmmm or Zzzzzzz. Well enough I say. I am making a push to rectify this.

Was Christopher Sholes a madman? After all, he is credited with what is now referred to as the QWERTY keyboard style when he invented the typewriter in 1868. A few companies over the years have tried to launch keyboards with letter placements to help the bottom row injustice, but have all been failures. The reason is because they got greedy. They went for too much and the world just wasn’t ready for it. I’ve contacted Apple, Sony, Samsung, Dell and others in hopes that industry giants will join my crusade.

I have proposed a trade -- X for E. This one, little move will liberate the bottom row and allow it to finally communicate, being able to create words like: men, been and neb. Isn’t it time we stand up as a nation of typists and texters to make this happen? For this reason, from this day until progress is made, I am going on an “E” strike.

Until this switch is mad*, I r*fuse to us* that l*tter in th* pap*rs. I hop* this isn’t too much of an inconv*ni*nce. But som*tim*s hard choic*s must occur for r*al chang* to b* achi*v*d.

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