AP NEWS

Trump’s ho-ho-ho’s are no laughing matter

December 15, 2018

Christmas shopping can be stressful for the average person. But think about what a challenge it must be for President Trump.

First of all, ‘giving’ just doesn’t seem to be in his vocabulary. Why, the man appears to be a veritable Scrooge.

To carry that metaphor a step further, it would not be a big surprise if Mr. Trump receives a visitor one of these nights leading up to Christmas in the form of Richard Nixon’s ghost bound in chains. There to warn the president, in MAGA jammies eating his cheeseburger bedtime snack.

“I wear the chain I forged in life ...” moans Tricky Dicky, “fastened with a padlock in the shape of the Watergate Hotel.”

Truthfully, it’s daunting to think about all the gifts Donald Trump must find for his many acquaintances. Besides his family, there are his numerous friends like Michael Co ... no, wait, there’s Michael Fly ... hold it, what about Rex Tiller ... Well, he must have one friend left out there somewhere.

Then there all of those women in his life besides Melania who naturally expect a gift this time of year.

In addition to his two ex-wives, the president has had a reported multitude of affairs, likely creating a gift list reaching from the floor to the ceiling. On the other hand, it goes without saying that Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, and possibly more women have been crossed off the list now that Trump has admitted paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars in hush money.

Sure, the president’s sordid personal affairs provide loads of entertainment for the general public. But there is a potentially serious side to this particular sideshow.

Some political analysts even go so far as to suggest that Trump’s illegal payments to keep certain women quiet during the 2016 presidential campaign may have made the difference and enabled him to narrowly win election.

I’m not so sure. The more one observes, reads about, and begins to understand Trump’s base of supporters, the more one could speculate that if Trump had let the ladies go public with their stories, nay, if he had actually bragged at his rallies about those specific sexual exploits, he may have even won more support, especially from white evangelical males!

All right, enough stuff about President Trump that some would view as pessimistic. Let’s look at something more uplifting and cheerful. Certainly, there’s nothing like a Christmas song to get one in the holiday spirit. So I have written one!

I admit that I have taken some poetic license with the time sequence. This song is meant to be sung to the same tune as “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” I call my version “The Twelve Months of Trumpness.”

So here we go ... a one, and a two, and a three ...

On the first month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me, An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the second month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the third month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-ccci

On the fourth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the fifth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the sixth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me “Horseface” Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the seventh month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, “Horseface” Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the eighth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Mr. Magoo’ Jeff Sessions, ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, ‘Horseface’ Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the ninth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Dumb’ and ‘Lazy’ Rex, ‘Mr. Magoo’ Jeff Sessions, ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, ‘Horseface’ Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the tenth month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me, ‘Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, ‘Dumb’ and ‘Lazy’ Rex, ‘Mr. Magoo’ Jeff Sessions, ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, ‘Horseface’ Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the eleventh month of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Sloppy’ Carl Bernstein, ‘Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, ‘Dumb’ and ‘Lazy’ Rex, ‘Mr. Magoo’ Jeff Sessions, ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, ‘Horseface’ Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

An-tho-ny Scari-mu-cci

On the twelfth day of Trumpness, he gave to you and me ‘Dumb as a rock’ Mika, ‘Sloppy’ Carl Bernstein, ‘Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, ‘Dumb’ and ‘Lazy’ Rex, ‘Mr. Magoo’ Jeff Sessions, ‘Crazy’ Maxine Waters, ‘Horseface’ Stormy Daniels,

‘WACK-Y’ O-MA-ROSA!

‘Flakey’ Jeff Flake, ‘Goofy’ Elizabeth Warren, ‘Leakin’ James Comey,

AN—THO—NY—SCAR—I—MUUU—CCI

There now, that should get everyone in the Christmas spirit — ho, ho, ho!

Mike Murphy of Pocatello is an award-winning columnist whose articles are syndicated by Senior Wire. He recently published a book titled “Tortoise Crossing – Expect Long Delays,” which is a collection of 100 of his favorite columns. It is available on Amazon.com.

AP RADIO
Update hourly