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Christmas shopping with a Sharper Image: Minister of Culture

November 23, 2018

Christmas shopping with a Sharper Image: Minister of Culture

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Aaaaand . . . boom! Just like that, the Christmas season is upon us. If it’s the fourth Friday in November and you are sitting around eating turkey tetrazzini, you are already behind on your Christmas shopping.

That’s why the Sharper Image catalog was invented. It fascinates me annually because I can’t decide if the gifts are brilliant or stupid, genius or useless, remarkable or hilarious. They are mostly hilarious, which is why I love it.

Custom Bobble Head: Nothing says I’m insanely in love with myself like a Custom Bobble Head Doll. Send in a photo, and, for only $99.99, receive a 3-inch-tall bobble doll of yourself. What a perfect gift for a loved one to keep on their desk at work! Be prepared to have the little plastic icon humiliated in photos and posted on social media.

Fantasy Jellyfish Aquarium: Move over, Zen Desk Sand Garden. When they say “fantasy,” they mean fake. These are rubber jellyfish approximations that float around in an electrically lit, liquid-filled oval encasement. Again, $99.99 and it’s yours.

Night Vision Binoculars: Features a built-in infrared light that allows you to see clearly in low light. And what exactly do you need these for, Mr. Creepy Neighborhood Lingerer? Price: $159. For the Peeping Tom in your life.

Boardless Skateboard: No board; just place your feet in two cylindrical units that roll independently. Insurance for broken bones not included. $99.99.

Stainless Steel Easy Egg Cooker: Steam seven eggs in this futuristic contraption for $49. Or just boil them like normal people. How inept are you?

Moisturizing Toe Alignment Socks: These socks counter the effects of tight, narrow shoes. How about this plan: Buy shoes that fit? Just an idea. $59.99.

Bacon Express Toaster: Do you have too much counter space in your kitchen? This bulky device cooks up to six strips of bacon in minutes. How many minutes? Unclear. On the other hand, you can also put six strips of bacon on a plate in the microwave for five minutes.

The Premium Innovative Defrosting Tray: Again, $99.99. Or maybe just take your meat out of the freezer a couple of hours early — like normal people.

The Retro Hot Dog Steamer: Steams up to 12 hot dogs at a time. Includes hot dog recipe booklet. Assuming that book also has retro directions for boiling water. Maybe not. $79.99.

Full Page Floor Magnifying Lamp: It illuminates and magnifies reading material. This eliminates the need for pesky glasses. $99.99.

The Most Luxurious Stress Relieving Weighted Blanket: Provides the feeling of being hugged, increasing the body’s production of serotonin and melatonin while decreasing stress-causing cortisol. Make sure you are strong enough to get out from under the weighted blanket or you could be in for a really long winter.

Happy holidays!

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