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Oddchester: A full-on ‘Full House’ fan

March 20, 2019

Sometimes, our heroes let us down. And sometimes, we give our spouse information that, at the time, we think is sweet and adorable, but will, many years later, be used against us.

These two maxims collided for me early last week as my wife, Lindy, and I were watching “NBC Nightly News.”

That’s when Lester Holt said something like “Actress Lori Loughlin, maybe best known for her role as ‘Aunt Becky’ on the sitcom ‘Full House,’ faces possible felony charges after being caught in a college admissions cheating scam.”

Lindy turned sideways on the couch to look directly at me.

“Lori Laughlin,” she said. “That must sting.”

Here’s something: When I was a kid, I used to have a crush on Lori Loughlin, who played Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend on “Full House.”

Twenty-plus years ago, back when we were dating, I revealed this sensitive information to Lindy.

I don’t remember why, now. I’m sure it was one of those special nights in which couples open up to each other in order to establish trust by revealing their own vulnerabilities.

Lindy, though, said something like, “Didn’t ‘Full House’ start in, like, 1988?”

We could both do the math. That would mean I was a 20-year-old man when I had my “crush” on her.

To make matters worse, my heartfelt revelation exposed the fact that I used to watch “Full House.”

When I was in college.

My late-night confession, of course, has come back to haunt me for two-plus decades. In little ways, mostly. If one of the kids is flipping though the channels, and an old episode of “Full House” is on, Lindy will say something like “Wait! Go back! You father may want to watch that!”

That sort of thing.

For those of you who have never seen it, “Full House” is a show in which the three most immature adult males on the planet have somehow been allowed to raise a bunch of kids. While I have nothing against unorthodox family units, Social Services should have removed those children from this home halfway through the first episode.

Here is a rundown of an actual episode (“To Joey With Love”).

A woman visits the house and mentions to Joey (as played by Dave Coulier) that the school needs substitute teachers. Joey, as luck would have it, not only has his teaching certificate, but has also apparently renewed it annually.

Maybe a minute later, Michelle comes home from grade school and says that, since her class has no substitute teachers, she is forced to sit and do nothing all day. If only they could think of someone who could substitute! For longer than you might imagine, they cannot think of anyone.

Joey finally realizes that HE could be Michelle’s sub, and, the next day, he is. Here’s the problem: Joey acts like a 7-year-old, so the kids in his class refuse to take him seriously. But Joey suddenly becomes super serious and — this is where it gets intense — he sends Michelle to the principal’s office.

Later, Michelle and her class cronies retaliate by being mean to Joey, and because of this, he decides his only option is to quit teaching. The lesson here, of course, is that if something doesn’t work for you for a few hours, you should probably just change careers.

And if you think I have simply picked the worst episode of “Full House,” you would be wrong. In the very next episode (“You Pet It, You Bought It”), Michelle buys a donkey that can only be kept from braying all night if Jesse serenades it with the “Three’s Company” theme song.

Hardcore fans refer to this classic episode as simply “ Engelbert Donkeydink.

That donkey causes a lot of trouble — it chews up Stephanie’s homework, D.J. is allergic to it — and they finally decide they have to get rid of it.

In the final scene, everyone serenades Englebert one last time before they have to take him away. They serenade him as the credits roll.

I didn’t even have to Google that last part. I remember it for sure, because Aunt Becky was singing as well.