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David Carrroll: How much father is it?

January 13, 2019

You can blame it on AutoCorrect, Spell Check, voice-activated text, or just a lack of spelling skills, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit of unintentional laughs. Here is my latest batch of Facebook foul-ups, with my comments in parentheses.

“My son has opened a new auto body & gender repair shop.” (I can only imagine the parts department.)

“I may have to take this to the school bored.” (Well, can’t you act even a little excited?)

“He didn’t do nothin’ wrong. It was guilt by the sociation.” (Then by all means, lock up the sociation.)

“Anybody got some Rock-wiler pups for sale?” (Nope, but I can fix you up with a Jack Daniels Terrier.)

Store sign: “Boneless Bananas 49 cents” (Is that a firm price?)

“He better get his ducks in the road!” (Only if he puts a duck crossing sign up first.)

“I’m going to prom with Brain.” (Did you misspell his name, or is he the valedictorian?)

“I don’t like the taste of skin milk.” (Well then, don’t get the organic kind.)

“They’re having a meeting on gum violence.” (Will the rival dentist gangs be represented?)

“The team was forty points down and tried to come back, but their efforts were to Noah Vail.” (Maybe they should have given the ball to someone else.)

“He is being sent out on a navel mission.” (I bet he will spend a lot of time on the beach.)

“How much father is it from here?” (Not sure. Let me ask father.)

“We have a hugh wine collection.” (Got any by Larry?)

“We have a wine seller downstairs.” (Is his name Hugh?)

“I don’t mine at all.” (Me neither. Mining looks like hard work.)

“After the divorce, she through out all his clothes.” (Maybe threw the window?)

“Now that his business has closed, Bob will have to find a new lively hood.” (If you have to find a hood, make it a lively one!)

“We used to live next to a chicken coupe.” (At least it wasn’t a sedan.)

“They said that woman at the Supreme Court hearing was the main senator. I didn’t know they had one of those.” (That means she was elected in that state just north of New Hamster.)

“I bet that car cost at lease thirty thousand dollars.” (Or, you could just rent it for a while. Let’s see, there’s a name for that…)

“Congress would work better if they would reach across the isle.” (How wide is their boat?)

“I am excited about my upcoming marriage to Sarah. I am proud that she is my finance.” (So you’ve signed a pre-nup?)

“You can count on the Marine Core.” (Sure, but don’t forget the Armey and the Navey.)

“I thought he might remember me from school, but he didn’t even eggnollege me.” (I mean after all, I used to help him with his spelling.)

“We enjoyed the meat loaf, but I had to pour on a lot of catch up.” (Still, it was a good way to ketchup with your friends, right?)

“Keep my name out of it. I want to remain totally unanimous.” (We took a vote, and it was one hundred percent anonymous.)

“Her first husband was from one of them northern states, I think it was Detroit.” (No wait, maybe it was Canada.)

“If I win the lottery, I will just dye.” (Maybe a lighter shade?)

“People who don’t cast their ballet have no room to complain.” (But hopefully they have room to practice their jumps.)

“He is a sharp dresser, always looking very sheik.” (I guess he buys his clothes in Saudi Arabia.)

“I want to adopt that dog, but I want to make sure she’s spade.” (Hopefully she will show her cards.)

“I need some new tires. My friend says Michelob is a good brand.” (There’s a good chance your friend isn’t talking about tires.)

“I’ll just cross that bride when I come to it!” (Trust me, you don’t want to cross her.)

“We’ve got some shopping to do. Let’s go mauling!” (Well, let’s get the shopping out of the way first.)

“He’s in charge, for all intensive purposes.” (Is that like intensive care?)

“You minus well face it, you lost the election.” (And that puts you in the minus column.)

“How many hangers do they have at that airport?” (I don’t know. How many coats are you bringing?)

“When I walk through the woods, I can see about 250 different spices of birds.” (Don’t tell that to Colonel Sanders. He only uses 11 herbs and species.)

“I’m glad Christmas is over. At my house, I have to do all the rapping.” (I’m sure your voice could use a rest!)

“Nobody should be forest to do something against their will.” (So true. And like Smokey the Bear always said, “Only you can prevent forced fires!”)

David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor and author, can be reached by mail at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405 or by email at 3dc@epbfi.com.

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