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Party of one My resolutions for others

December 28, 2018

It’s that most wonderful time of the year … when I get to put words in the mouths of others in an effort to make them better people or life better for the rest of us. Yes, it’s my almost annual “New Year’s resolutions for others” column.

We resolve to come up with a solution more powerful than Clorox.

The Stamford Public School Mold Task Force

I resolve to switch to O’Douls.

Brett Kavanaugh, U.S. premium beer drinker/U.S. Supreme Court justice

I resolve to be available for when Kavanaugh breaks his resolution.

“Judge Jerry” Springer, coming to the Stamford Media Center in 2019

We resolve to ban autoplay, pop-up video ads, especially on our mobile platforms.

Most media websites

I resolve to keep my damn hands off your leaves and fireworks.

Stamford Mayor David Martin

We resolve to make sure our latest tour does not earn the obvious nickname, “Sucking in the Seventies.”

The Rolling Stones

I resolve to lie only every other time I open my mouth or use my thumbs. Does that be best, Melania?

President Donald Trump

I resolve to again handily beat Serena Williams in a final so the focus will be on my talents and not her tantrums.

Naomi Osaka, U.S. Open tennis women’s champion

We resolve that our sketches will not always be topical, political or game/talk show parodies, but they will definitely be funnier.

Writers of “Saturday Night Live”

We resolve to fix that stupid old train station parking garage and just be done with it.

Connecticut Department of Transportation

Meanwhile, we resolve to cut the city and state a great deal on leasing all those empty parking spaces we currently have at 677 Washington Blvd.

AVG Partners, owners of the vacant, former USB headquarters

We resolve to finally introduce a new version of our iPhone operating system that doesn’t fix one problem while creating yet another.

Apple

I resolve to unfriend all of you.

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Stamford native and resident Kevin McKeever, whose nationally award-winning column appears here every other Friday, is a freelance writer. Email him at kevin@writeonkevin.com.

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