party of one The columnist’s latest (vacation report/travel column/fake news)
Editor’s note: Kevin McKeever is on (vacation/extended leave/the lam). However, before leaving, he filed this column filled with multiple-choice answers he said he would later select based on what actually occurred while he was (away/recharging his batteries/evading authorities). Unfortunately, he has never (contacted us/replied to inquiries/been recaptured). Here’s what we have:
SOMEWHERE (ON A BEACH/BY A POOL/UNDER A TABLE) IN THE OUTER BANKS, N.C. - Greetings, (subscribers/internet visitors/Russian hackers)! It is I, your (intrepid/hard-boiled/pickled) columnist reporting again from coastal North Carolina. Let me (fill you in on local events/give you a taste of beach life/try to make you forget you’ll soon be bagging autumn leaves).
Although these fragile barrier islands have so far escaped unscathed from the seasonal threat of (hurricanes/tourists/Congressional candidates), they still have been hit hard by rain. Parts of this 200-mile long stretch received as much as 20 inches of precipitation in July, flooding roads, eroding beachfronts and disappointing (vacationers/merchants/people wanting to say “but at least it’s a dry heat”). On the positive side, it allowed people to kayak and paddleboard right on the beach roads without fear of (sharks/drowning/a rogue wave yanking off their swim trunks).
In recent months back in Fairfield County, we’ve heard talk of possibly banning single-use plastic bags. The Outer Banks passed such a ban in 2010. Locals rave about how it has helped (keep roadsides and beaches clean/reduced sewer drain clogs/lessened whining by those damn tree huggers). Naturally, the Republican-controlled North Carolina legislature recently repealed the ban — not once, but TWICE! However, many local Outer Banks retailers have banded together to (voluntarily not use the bags/pass new local ban ordinances/collectively flip the legislators the bird). I’m happy to report that even with change in the law, (plastic waste along the shores remains minimal/people are being cooperative/the only things getting bagged are my fellow bar patrons).
You probably (remember/have taped to your refrigerator/ignored) my report from last year about the national stir caused down here when (tides/currents/science-y mumbo jumbo) created a new land mass offshore. It was dubbed “Shelly Island” because it was (covered by seashells/a Frankenstein-like creation/as narrow as Shelley Hack’s acting range). Sad to say, the island is no more. It disappeared earlier this year because (of tidal erosion/the battering from fall hurricanes and winter winds/a lack of cable news coverage). Our family was (saddened/disappointed/relieved we didn’t have to risk our lives swimming out there again).
But who cares about land when you have the seas at your disposal! Fishing is not only recreation but life on the OBX, which you’d know if you were (watchers of/obsessed with/begging for a sponsorship deal with) the “Wicked Tuna: Outer Banks” reality show like my family. This year we hope to take full-day charter with one of the fishing vessels from the show. I’m positive (my wife will have the top haul/we’ll catch enough seafood for a week’s worth of meals/I’ll down a bottle of Dramamine and still puke my guts out). Good times, people!
That’s all for now, folks. My column will resume next month once I (get home/come up with insight on a local topic/escape this facility). See you then!
Stamford (native/resident/hack) Kevin McKeever, whose nationally award-winning (column/work/tripe) regularly appears here, is a (freelance writer/at-home father/seriously underemployed). (Email/contact/wire bail money to) him at firstname.lastname@example.org.