LONDON (AP) _ A new tongue-in-cheek guide to the English language explains how to speak the mother tongue with a stiff upper lip.

The guide, titled ''The Queen's English,'' translates uppercrust diction phonetically in an attempt to break down ''the language barrier between the classes,'' according to the publishers, Pelham Books Ltd.

Readers of the book who eat at a London restaurant now will know how to ''shite'' for a ''wheateh.'' They will be able to shop at ''Heads'' (Harrods department store) and get ''rind tine'' ('round town) on ''thunder grind'' (the Underground) subway system.

The book, written by Dorgan Ruston, describes a series of hypothetical field trips in which the reader hob-nobs with bluebloods, culminating with the ultimate venue: a ''gordon potty'' at Buckingham Palace. Because a garden party might bring one face to face with Queen Elizabeth II, it is useful to learn ahead of time how to say, ''Thing kew fah ian-vating may.''

It's also a good idea to have a quip ready for fellow guests. The book suggests, ''Wart's ay nayce parson lake yaw doing ian ay pell-arse lake these?''

The first verse of the national anthem, the book advises, is properly sung, ''Gawd sieve ah grey shahs quin,'' which for the uninitiated translates: ''God save our gracious queen.''

Preparing the reader for any eventuality, ''The Queen's English'' notes that a useful phrase to know before visiting a church would be, ''Ace hay, veekah, cord yar door ian egg-sauce-essem faw ahs?''

Translation: ''I say, vicar, could you do an exorcism for us?''

In addition to making it easier to mix socially, speaking like an aristocrat may have hidden benefits.

The book observes that one exponent of proper speech is Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, and he has ''extremely well-developed jowl muscles.''