AP NEWS

Uh oh; the coming year is sure to be full of surprises

December 30, 2018

It’s that time of the year again. Time to make predictions for the new year. I consulted with my late great-grandmother, Granny Reynolds, who used a crystal ball in this life to predict the future. These are her predictions for 2019:

• All community colleges in the U.S. will include a new course for information technology geeks called “How to tell your customers it’s their fault, not yours.” It will become the most successful course ever.

• President Trump will finally say he knows more about everything than everyone. His remaining 12 supporters will applaud him.

• The president will admit there was climate change caused by Democrats but he has fixed it. He says it as the ocean water begins lapping at the foundation of his Mar-a-Lago mansion.

• Huntington Mayor Steve Williams will ask City Council for $15 million to buy enough super glue and cat litter to fix all the potholes in the city. Council will vote “no” and will recommend the mayor submit himself for psychoanalysis.

• Marshall Football Coach Doc Holliday will announce his real name is Billy Kidd and will tell the press he has hired Jesse James as offensive coach.

• Leaving his post as Charleston mayor after what seems like 150 years, Danny Jones will become a Jesuit priest and open a restaurant called Blessed Barbecue.

• Otho Obscure, a typical Huntingtonian, will spend the entire month of April stalled at the four-way stop at the intersection of 11th Avenue and First Street trying to figure out who goes first. The city will finally call a tow truck to haul him and his car away.

• Embarrassed by the grass growing between the bricks on the old brick streets in Huntington, the street department will spray Roundup on them. Mayor William will suggest super glue mixed with cat litter as a permanent solution.

• The contractors building a new four-lane highway along West Virginia 10 south of Huntington will move another three cubic feet of dirt in 2019.

• The very last Trump supporter will lock himself in the Huntington Civic Center and refuse to leave until Trump himself appears—again. He will chant “Build the wall” and “Lock her up “while holding an autographed copy of the new book “The Best of Trump’s Epithets.”

• Canada will announce it is building a wall between it and the United States to stop American citizens seeking asylum.

• “Beautiful clean coal” will continue to be mined at the behest of the president. The enemy of the people (aka the press) will learn that none of it is being used. It’s dumped in abandoned mine shafts. Trump will say it’s fake news.

• The Trump administration will import giant eland antelopes to the U.S. claiming they are gnus. The press will investigate and discover they are “fake gnus.”

• The seven-member board of directors of a famous Huntington fast food restaurant (nameless here forevermore) will meet and, after hours of discussion, will vote 4-3 to innovate and offer fast food again.

• Justice Ginsberg will post a Facebook message asking young people to consider what kind of world they are leaving her. The year 2019 will see stranger things than any of Granny Reynolds’ predictions, I’m sure.

Ready or not, here it comes.

AP RADIO
Update hourly