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33rd Editorial Carolbook, in the spirit of the season: Editorial Board

December 23, 2018

33rd Editorial Carolbook, in the spirit of the season: Editorial Board

When Kenny Got His Block Grant Funds (O Little Town of Bethlehem) 

When Kenny got his block grant funds,So easy were the bucks, The summer jobs and council checks,Just send more city trucks. 

Yet the slipshod accounting, The sleight-of-hand techniques, Are now unmasked and questions asked:Where are all the receipts? 

I’ll Fly Home for Christmas (I’ll Be Home For Christmas)

I’ll fly home for Christmas, You can count on me. 

TSA won’t have their way, I’ll skip security.

Christmas Eve will find me, Bypassing checkpoint lines. 

Hopkins staff will help me --  Till TSA sends fines. 

Relax Ye Merry Lobbyists (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) 

Relax ye merry lobbyists,Let nothing you dismay. The sponsor liked the amendments,So in the bill they’ll stay! The clients got their exact needs, It’s just pay to play.O tidings of comfort and joy,Comfort and joy,O tidings of comfort and joy!

Ohio has a treasury,Awash in cash to pluck,For stadiums, and music halls,Arts “projects,” you’re in luck.To bring home so much pork barrel,For that you’ll need a truck!  O tidings of comfort and joy,Comfort and joy,O tidings of comfort and joy!

Sherrod We Need You There (Baby It’s Cold Outside) A duet by Sherrod Brown and Ohio Democrats  

I really can’t run (but Sherrod we need you there), It wouldn’t be fun (but Sherrod you know we care).

I’d like to step in (we think you’d be sure to win),But I’m not riiight (get in the game; you’ll win the fight).

My voice is just way too hoarse (you’ll be an incredible force),My rumpled look won’t play in New York (you’ll make The Donald look like a dork).

I don’t think I can stay the course (L’Orange needs to be unhorsed),You should go with Kam or O’Rourke (your boyish looks we want to endorse).

Don’t mean to be coy (Sherrod, you can’t say no),But I’m not your boy (Sherrod just go, go, go). 

I’d have to be crazed (we’re guessing you’ll be amazed),To run that race (don’t stick around where you were raised).

I’ve never dreamed of being POTUS (but think of your future FLOTUS),But maybe I should give it a try (even George Will says you can fly). 

I guess I’ll be bold (Sherrod, don’t hold out)!  Sherrod, we neeeed youuuu therrrrrrrrre...... 

Footballs Spiral T’ward the Goal Line (Angels, from the Realms of Glory)

Footballs spiral t’ward the goal line, Straight to flying wide-outs’ grasp. Dawg Pound zealots hoist their moonshine,Toasting he who’s come at last!

Baker Mayfield! Baker Mayfield!  Master of the forward pass!

Fans all decked in Cleveland colors,Awed by what the scoreboard shows,   Tallied there more points than others,‘Burying past seasons’ woes.   

Who was Otto? Who was Bernie?We’ve got Baker; here we go! 

With the chill of late December,We still have some hope, it seems.   Oldest fans can scarce remember,Euphoria of playoff dreams.   

Number One of all the draft picks,Savior of the new regime! 

He awakes, exuding danger,That is how the new kid rolls.   If he had to play Lone Ranger,He’d be kicking the field goals.   

Baker Mayfield! Baker Mayfield!Dare we forecast Super Bowls?

The White House song (The Dreidel song) I hear persistent urgings,Of course, aimed at me,To set my 2020 sightsOn the U.S. presidency!

Oh, White House! White House! White House! Those urgings aimed at me, Kasich (Clinton) (Sherrod),To take the presidency.

The chorus just grows louder,Don’t say my skin is thin!I think that I could do it!It is my turn to win!

Oh, White House! White House! White House! The money will flow in. I think that I could do it!It is my turn to win!

Oh Broccoli! (O Christmas Tree) In memory of George H. W. Bush  

Oh broccoli, oh broccoli,How much-maligned are thee!Oh broccoli, oh broccoli,Your critics number 41 and 43!Hated not only by H.W.,But also by son W.Oh broccoli, oh broccoli, If the Bushes only knew ye!

Oh broccoli, oh broccoli,Your detractors are misguided!Oh broccoli, oh broccoli,How wrongly you’re derided!They think you vile, with veggie smell,When if cooked right, you sure are swell. Oh broccoli, oh broccoli, Your repute will be righted!

Condi Rocks (Jingle Bells) 

The Browns aren’t quite there yet, In a town that yearns to win. So ESPN opined,And said it with a grin, Coach Condi it might be, Rocking Cleveland plays.What fun it is to speculate,A Coach Condi football-gate.

Oh, Condi Rocks, Condi Rocks,Condi all the way.What fun would be a game called byCondoleezza Rice.Yes, Condi Rocks, Condi Rocks,Condi all the way.  Even if it’s just one play,Let’s make history!

Condi hedged her bets, Said her Brownies need,A coach who is more tested,Without ‘prevent defenses.’ But still she’d like to feed,One play to the team.And isn’t it past time,To put a woman on the field? 

Oh, Condi Rocks, Condi Rocks,Condi all the way.What fun would be a game called byCondoleezza Rice.Yes, Condi Rocks, Condi Rocks,Condi all the way.  Even if it’s just one play,Let’s make history!

This 33rd holiday interlude is brought to you by the Editorial Board Caroling Society & Beadery, with a little help from friends, in the spirit of the season -- Ted “Bring Forth The Royal” Diadiun, Robert “Holly Jolly” Higgs, Thomas “Tannenbaum” Suddes, Lisa “Liesl von Trapp” Garvin and Elizabethan Sullivan, for the chorus.

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