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Friendship between mothers ends over a race for charity

November 16, 2018

DEAR ABBY: The 14-year-old son of a friend of mine is having self-esteem issues and apparently is going through a very rough patch. Our family likes to participate in charity races. My boy, 13, is a talented athlete who, according to my friend, is an “overachiever.”

My friend signed her family up for the same race as our family, then called me afterward to tell me she was having anxiety issues about us being there and asked me to forgo the race. (We had already paid for four registrations.) She said she could see my child taking off, winning the race and boasting to the point where her child would feel like a loser and have more self-esteem issues.

Abby, although our children hung out together when they were toddlers, they haven’t in years. I tried to be sympathetic, but told her we had been planning to compete in this race as a family for some time, and I didn’t think it would be right to pull my child out of something he loves to do. She got very upset, said some horrible things to me and ended our friendship. Was I wrong not to agree to do as she asked for the sake of her child?— ROUGH PATCH IN THE WEST

DEAR ROUGH PATCH: I don’t think you were wrong. While I sympathize with your former friend, what she suggested was not helpful for her child, who might benefit more from some sessions with a therapist than a helicopter mom trying to cushion life for him.

However, if there’s any truth to your friend’s inference that your son is not a GRACIOUS winner, monitor his behavior to make sure he doesn’t come across as a braggart. If you do, you’ll be doing him a favor.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, I met a guy I’ll call “Jordan” at a college summer program and fell head over heels in love with him. But the program lasted only five weeks, and we lived hours apart. We decided from the beginning that we wouldn’t attempt a long-distance relationship and would simply enjoy the time we had together.

That fall, my senior year, I visited Boston to look at colleges. I had made plans to see him, but he blew me off. Because I never got closure, I was not able to let him go emotionally.

During my sophomore year of college, Jordan contacted me and asked if we could meet. I refused because I had just met someone else, and didn’t want to jeopardize my new relationship. I was with that guy for five years and almost married him. (Our breakup had nothing to do with Jordan.)

It is nearly a decade later, and I have met someone I could fall in love with. But it seems that I’m still not completely over Jordan. Should I reach out to him and try to get the closure I need?— LEFT HANGING ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR LEFT HANGING: Yes. After all these years, it’s time. And when you do, tell him the greatest gift he could give you would be the gift of closure. If he’s a gentleman, he will agree. And when you get it, move forward and don’t look back.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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