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Oddchester: Cap’n Crunch has diabetes?

September 26, 2018

A 22-year-old Austin resident showed up at Stillwater Area High School and tried to enroll as a 17-year-old named Caspian James Crichton-Stuart IV, fifth Duke of Cleveland, Earl of Scooby.

A self-proclaimed “hoax artist” placed a fake classified ad in the Post Bulletin, claiming to have found a diamond scepter and inauguration gown that belonged to Eva Peron!

“Cap’n Crunch at Mayo Clinic for Diabetes.”

We have, over the years, collected numerous stories of local hoaxes and scams.

Here are a few of our (least) favorites.

This will heal you. Oh, unless there is bad weather, then we’ll have to hook you up directly to cable.

In July 2011, a Stewartville man was ordered to repay more than $8,000 after allegedly swindling a 70-year-old man and his 68-year-old wife. He allegedly told the couple he could cure their health problems through a satellite, set up with doctors in Germany. According to the complaint, he told them the satellite waves would bounce off the man’s body — as he simply sat in his recliner — and be sent back to the doctors in Germany, who would adjust the frequency to heal him.

This will sanitize your water well. Oh, unless there is bad weather, then we’ll have to hook it up directly to cable.

The same Stewartville man also faced a similar charge in Dodge County, where a complaint alleges a man signed a contract with him for a “German Water Treatment Plan” that, according to police, “was never an actual treatment at all.” The plan said his water would be sanitized with rays and beams from a satellite controlled by a company in Germany. No such technology exists, and the victim said he lost $1,275.

You just never know who you’ll see in Rochester!

In March 2011, the Weekly World News website ran a story with the following headline: “Cap’n Crunch at Mayo Clinic for Diabetes.”

“The Captain was admitted to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., last week to receive treatment for severe diabetes,” read the story. “After living a reckless life on the high seas eating only his famous cereal and the occasional Slim Jim for close to 40 years, the Captain’s body finally just gave out.”

“And I’m the third Viscount of Newark, Baron of Dooby Doo.”

In 2006, a 22-year-old Austin resident showed up at Stillwater Area High School and tried to enroll as a 17-year-old named Caspian James Crichton-Stuart IV, fifth Duke of Cleveland, Earl of Scooby. Gardner claimed to be visiting the U.S. for ear surgery at the Mayo Clinic. He spoke with a British accent, handed out business cards bearing the crest of a lion and a unicorn and insisted on being called “His Grace.” After giving an interview to the Stillwater school newspaper, the teenage reporters did some research and discovered Gardner’s true identity. They also found that he was, in fact, a registered sex offender.

Somewhere, on the other end of the line, a window repairman is laughing.

In March 2009, a hoaxster called a woman staying in a Rochester motel and, pretending to be the motel manager, tricked her into breaking a window with a chair. The caller, according to police reports, told the woman there was a gas leak in the room, and advised her to put a wet towel under the door, unplug everything in the room to prevent an explosion and open the window by “whatever means necessary.” When the window jammed, the woman used a chair to smash the glass.

Which makes you wonder how he defines “everybody” and “loves.”

In January 2008, self-described “hoax artist” Rory Emerald (he’s placed dozens of fake lost and found ads in papers across the country) placed a fake classified ad in the Post Bulletin, claiming to have found a diamond scepter and inauguration gown that belonged to Eva Peron (the late first lady of Argentina). “It’s just wild,” Emerald told the Post Bulletin from his home in Los Angeles. “Everybody loves it.”

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