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Will Durst: Kavanaugh huffs, puffs his way to Supreme Court

October 10, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh’s pathway to the Supreme Court has been more circuitous than a drunken snake’s slide down a bobsled run. No matter whether you were in favor of the confirmation of the conservative justice or dead set against it, you have to admit the man overcame more obstacles than an Olympic hurdler training on a bombed-out alley in downtown Aleppo.

His journey featured enough lowlights to scorch the balls of the feet of a thousand centipedes, but the high point of the lowlights may have been the contentious hearing where the nominee ranted and raved and cried and sneered and loudly proclaimed he liked beer!

Deviating from previous self-portrayals as a sober non-partial umpire, Kavanaugh exhibited the temperament of a spoiled 5th grader who got caught in a lie, then tried overwrought indignation to bluff his way through. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

In an effort to delay, deflect and defray, Arizona Republican Jeff Flake struck a deal with the rest of his Senate Judiciary Committee for an abbreviated FBI investigation into the sexual assault allegations before the full Senate voted. With an emphasis on the “abbreviated.”

More thorough investigations are required for dishwashing positions at suburban Applebee’s. The announced week-long investigation barely lasted four days, which is Senate-speak for many months’ worth of arduous toil.

The White House purportedly limited the scope of the investigation, prompting Democrats to call the inquiry a travesty of a mockery of a sham. And for Republicans to call Democrats-predictable.

The FBI declined to talk to Kavanaugh or his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, which is like not speaking to either the driver or the victim of a hit and run. Obviously, the administration preferred the FBI interview more trustworthy witnesses like Lindsay Graham, Mitch McConnell, Alex Jones and Kanye West.

After the report was submitted, to say the committee made it hard to read is like hinting that active lava makes a substandard base for a nice Hawaiian punch. This arrangement made “cursory” seem planted in concrete, threaded with steel webbing and encased in polyurethane.

All 100 senators, in one-hour increments were forced to share a single physical copy; probably a 3rd generation Xerox of a smudged mimeograph which could only be read in a darkened room. With the drapes closed. In 8-point type. Translated into Farsi. Printed in yellow.

In the wake of the Senate voting 50-48 to hand Kavanaugh a lifetime position on the highest court of the land, Donald Trump bragged “a lot of women are extremely happy.” Don’t know which women he’s talking about, but would hazard to guess more than a few of them share his father’s last name.

Explaining his use of a female human shield interrogator, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Republican Chuck Grassley, claimed the reason more women aren’t members is because the job is a lot of work. Putting him in contention for this year’s “Clueless Male Who Breathes Misogyny In and Out Like Oxygen” Award. But, alas, he hasn’t even cracked the top ten.

Democrats pray these proceedings will produce a midterm wave of outraged females voicing frustration at being further dismissed and disenfranchised, while Republicans expect these proceedings to produce a midterm wave of outraged males who resent their entitlement being threatened.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.

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